Too

I feel.....well, period.

I feel too much too deeply too ugly too jealous too needy too fragile too brazen too worried too shaken too tall too Gorean too dark too hurt too much..it is all just too much.

This was not supposed to happen, it was never supposed to happen and I am mad as fuck that it is. Rather like opening a hole in a dam, the pressure behind the small tear is too much and all of the emotions behind keep flaring out and running amuck and I sit here sometimes and see myself in the glass and wonder who the hell I am and what happened to who I always was.

He no longer desires me.

He says I should be happy. That he will seek his pleasure elsewhere in certain regards. On th one hand, if it prevents me from fucking up again, maybe I should be happy. But it goes deeper than that. Nowhere in his words or tone was there even a hint that he thinks I can improve or change. What slave would be happy about that? He said he will not play games and I wanted to smack him.

Game playing? I have never been a game player and I cannot help but feel that some portion of his response is colored by his experiences with others. That he is giving up makes me freeze like a tabuk hearing a hunter's step. Do I charge ahead, run away, stay still? I do not know, I have no idea what will make it better, or if it can ever be made better if he has no faith that I can succeed where I failed once.

I think that is what has me the most upset, the thought that he will so easily go elsewhere or, as he put it, find himself a slave more willing to please him. As if I am not willing, have not been willing...I do not understand.

I think it is kind of funny that I strove some months back to be less about the sensuality and more about the intellect. That did not work out either but at least in that endeavor I did not fail so spectacularly.

I will not give vent to these feelings elsewhere, they are displeasing, I have been told so. I will not allow myself to look beyond the steel that binds me, it is not my place to do so anyway and I was foolish to let myself become embroiled in emotion.

He has his love slave.

I earn him coin.

I will just have to be okay with that.

Hell, if it pleases him then it is not even so very bad a thing. I'll find a way to brace the dam and stem the tide. I have to, for so very many reasons.