Perception

The day to day life at the kennels is going well so far. I am almost always rented for the day and though I wish the tasks wree more carnal than practical, none have been overly horrid. Well, okay so the child tending came close. Seriously, who in their right mind rents a whore to tend children? Sticky fingered demanding little bastards. Still, I have a mat in th cage, get first choice from the trough and have only had to beat down one bitch so far. See? Not so bad.

I am having a bit more difficulty with the transition of time outside of my daily rentals. I vacilate between a sense of purposelessness and an excitement at what new prospect might wander down the path. Many if not most of the slaves I knew have gone, either sold off or perhaps traveling, either way the fireside is quiet. Being a public slave has led to the assumption that I am untrained, undesirable, even stupid on a few rare occasions. Might not be mighty slave like but I would so love to sucker punch those people.

The bright side? Has got to be him. Yes yes I know, arm's length or longer is the best choice, distance is an ally, don;t be a sappy ass.....all those phrases come into play here. And yet... ::sighs:: It is not usual, hell it is not ever really, that a man chooses to look me in the eye and want to know what drives me. Frankly, quick alley sex with a coin tossed after is easier and less dangerous. But no, he seems determined to know me.

Trouble is, I want him to. I want him. There, I said it. And having said it, I feel like an ass. I do not do this, I do not get involved, I do not seek more than the physical and it has always worked to keep me in lots of sex and no danger of anything deeper. So why is it that he sees deeper than that, demands more than that? Worse, why do I want so deeply to give it to him?

Partly I want to see if, when confronted with the whole truth of me, if any man could stand it. If the liquid darkness ever touched the light would it make him recoil in horror? I am not sure I want to know and i damned sure do not want to voluntarily offer to lift shades of myself and open them to his perception and plunder.

Life was a lot easier as a coin whore. Not nearly as deep a tug hung with me ahn to ahn day to day, but it was...easier. Damn the man.